


Dungeons and Dickholes

by Lord_Berkut



Category: Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken | Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack Treated Seriously, Inappropriate Humor, Memes, Vibrators
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-21 19:20:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14291688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_Berkut/pseuds/Lord_Berkut
Summary: The and symbol looks like a man scooting his butt on the ground





	1. A Lord Rises from Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Buckle in folks. Based off of the FT. Mangs LP but with my own sick sense of humor and making fun of FE7

Ariel: Oh fuck! Bandits! They must have come down from the Hillbilly Mountains! They must be planning on raiding the local villages. I... I have to stop them! If that's all of them, I think I can handle them on my own. The fuckers look like they’re inbred Walmart scum.

 

**cuts to Ariel outside**

 

_ In-game message: Unit information: Ariel is the blue unit. The enemy units are red. Player, you are green. Essentially, battle consists of blue (allied) un- _

 

Ariel: If your playing this, I’m pretty fukin sure you know how to play. We aren’t stupid babies game. If ya need a damn refresher like FEH meta scum, look it up online. I ain’t a damn search engine.

 

**After some combat shit**

 

Ariel: There's another bandit over by the ger to the west. You don't know what a ger is? Well read a damn book for once. Hmm... I would do well to use this time to administer a little first aid.   
_ In-game message: Move to the space marked by the flashing cursor. _ _   
_ _ (When the play- _

**The text box is shattered.**

Ariel: WE GET IT MOVE ON TO THE DAMN GAME

**More combat shit**

Batta: Who do you think you are? You think you can stand up to Batta the Beast?

Ariel: Not a walking meme that’s for sure.

**Combat**

Batta: Batta the Beast Blasts off again!

Ariel: I’m guessing I’m going to see him again.

 

**_Next Morning_ **

Ariel: GOOD MORNING VIETNAM! TIME TO GO KICK ASS! Huh? Why I’m acting like this? Because I fucking want to that’s why. You’re not my dad. 

  
  



	2. Into the Land of Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit's gonna get weird (and sexual)

Summary: Ariel kills some inbred bastards. Also Batta won’t die.

 

Ariel: Good God we entered into deep into the land of tears, aka Reality. Let’s go get some McDonalds and Mountain Dew to drown out my sorrows. 

**A boy walks into Ariel**

Boy: Excuse me mam?

Ariel: Do I know you?

Boy: No, but I know of you. My name is Anthony. I used to serve as a page to the ruler of Valla, but now, I have no idea where I am.

Ariel: Well Anthony, welcome aboard. I’m heading to get some food to drown out my sorrows.

**The two leave, but a man runs in**

Man: Where is that adorable little shit?

**Later**

Ariel: SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT INBRED HILLBILLES   
Zugu: Heh heh hehhh... Aren't you the pretty one! Your name is Ariel, is it not?   
Ariel: What did you call me? ...Who are you? Am I assuming right that you have an unmarked windowless van with “free candy” in it?   
Zugu: Such a waste y’know. An absolute waste. The things I'll do for meth... Ah, well. Time to die, darlin'! C'mon out, boys!

**Three other brigands appear on the map** **  
** Ariel: Oh no! There are more than I can handle... But I'll not give up! I am not being buttfucked like Camilla!   
??: Hey! There she is!   
Zugu: Huh?   
Ariel: What the fuck?

**Anthony and the unnamed man from earlier joins Ariel**

Anthony: Whew... Finally caught up... Hold! You there! What is your business? Such numbers against an innocent girl?   
Ariel: Anthony!   
Man: We can discuss that later. It appears these ruffians mean to do you harm. If it's a fight they want, let them look to me!   
Anthony: Stand back! I'll take care of this!   
Ariel: No! This is my fight! Stay out of my way! I am not letting you two get buttfucked!   
Anthony: Well, I can't just stand here and do nothing… That was my whole role in Fates.    
Berkut: I have a solution, we assist you for now. I am Berkut, a prince from Rigel. I’m assuming you’ve met my companion Anthony. We will fight by your side in this battle. Is this acceptable, milady?   
Ariel: Yes, it is. I’ll lead, and let's go!

**Combat Shit since all of them know the weapon triangle and that good shit. Nothing new has been added.**

Zugu: Fuckin plot points, always tampering in others' affairs.

**Boss is killed**

Zugu: Blast... There was only...supposed to be a lone...girl…

 

**After Battle**

Ariel: Aren’t you two dead or something?

Berkut: Maybe, but the writer doesn’t give a shit and needs to insert us into this fic or something.

Anthony: Have you been slamming your head on everything too hard?

Berkut: Shut up. Anyways, we’ve been sent by some king or something to take you to Pot Land. 

Ariel: Fine then. Together Weed Ride actually has a purpose now.


	3. The Vibe Katti

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I mean, if Super Princess Peach could get away with a vibrator being the main trophy, so can we.

Summary: Ariel nearly got thrown into a windowless van when an edgelord and however the fuck you describe Anthony save her. Now, Ariel’s about to get really fuckin sexual

 

Ariel: Yo I gotta take a fuckin shit, can we stop at the gas station real quick?

Berkut: What’s a gas station? And she’s gone.

(Several hillbillies appear on the map, one of which a Mercenary)   
  
Glass: Old man! Stay where you are, and hold your tongue!   
Clerk: Threaten me as you will, but I'll not give up the Vibe Kattii. The Vibe Katti is a sacred toy, under divine protection. It cannot be removed from its place of rest!   
Glass: You're a fool, old man. What good's a dildo if you don't use it?   
Clerk: Use it? In combat? Sacrilege!   
Glass: Sacrilege? I am Glass! The gods fear my name! My swordplay is peerless! And if I want this sword, then this sword I shall have! Now get out of my way!   
Clerk: Oof!   
(The clerk is shoved out of the throne, while Glass moves on it)   
  
Glass: This is it! It's more magnificient than I'd imagined! This sword was made for a swordsman of my skill. Hmm? What's this? I can't...draw the sword...from its scabbard?   
Clerk: The spirits of the dildo have judged you. You have been found wanting. They have rejected you.   
Glass: What? Listen, you senile old fool, if you value your own life, you'll get out of my sight!!!   
(The clerk locks himself in the janitor’s closet, while Glass was chasing him. The latter comes back to the throne)   
  
Glass: Curses! Miserable spirits! I care nothing for you! I'll tear this altar down stone by stone!   
(A woman who was next to the gas station runs towards Berkut and Anthony)   
  
Woman: I beg your pardon, milady. Are you headed east? To the gas station?   
Berkut: No. Our friend’s in there because she had to take a massive shit   
Woman: Then you must hurry and help the clerk and your friend there. I saw a band of local hillbillies head in there not long ago. They seemed intent on stealing the altar's sacred dildo!   
Berkut: The Vibe Katti... They're going to steal it? I cannot allow this to happen!

Anthony: What’s a dildo?

Berkut: You’re too young.    
Woman: You look like nice young people. Please, help them!   
Berkut: Ariel, what were you planning? Anyways, if we hope to go to their aid, we'll need to prepare.   
Anthony: You're right... Could I get candy afterwards?

Berkut: Whatever

**Easy combat since the duo have weapon triangle advantage on everyone**

Glass: Who do you think you are? What chance do you think you have against me?

Berkut: The goddamn prince of Rigel you inbred scum. And all the fuckin chances. 

**Afterwards**

Glass: I’LL BE BACK

**After the fight**

Ariel: Wow that was one massive shit. Anyways, where did all these hillbilly bodies come from.

Berkut: You’re welcome. 

Ariel: So what happened?

Berkut: We’ll explain later.

Ariel: Why is Anthony hiding as much candy in his jacket as possible?

Berkut: Anthony, we talked about this.

Anthony: But the clerk said I could have as much as I wanted!

Berkut: Well at least grab some healthy stuff. 

Ariel: I’ll try to find a cooler so I can bring Mountain Dew with me. 

Berkut: I’m traveling with a bunch of gluttons. 

_ As Ariel goes for the Mountain Dew, the Vibe Katti starts glowing _

Ariel: Someone’s vibrator’s glowing. Not sure why you fuckasses were calling it a dildo. Even I can tell the difference. 

Clerk: So you must be the wielder of the Vibe Katti.

Ariel: Uh I’m a fuckin Shaman. I can’t wield swords.

Clerk: It forms to whatever weapon it’s chosen wields.

Ariel: I’m not going to get out of wielding a fucking vibrator am I? The writer needs to update her humor from a damn middle schooler’s. 

 


End file.
